It has been a while since i pen down my thoughts. Life has begin to take on a smooth course for the past few mths now and i thank God for that though there are times where my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak...those days are the hardest to get by where it really challenges me mentally. Many ppl wld say that past is past...and i agree...there is no turning back...we can't continue to be held captive by it...but to really let go and move on...easier said than done...i see some nodding their heads with me..sometimes its just the continuous disappointment by that someone whom we just wished that he/she wld make it much less burdensome...they will never knw the pain that has been inflicted..worst still if they just carried on with life pretty well and we are left in a pit hole of self-pity and unfairness...promises and more new promises are made but has no value whatsoever..and the sad part of it is that i stupidly believed that those promises wld be fulfilled which leaves me tormented little by little..i really dun understand why does it still happen...i realized that my spirit is still not healed completely...maybe on the outer part it looks healed but its actually only a scab whereby a thick layer of dried skin covers the wet, bloody wound on the inside...scratching it again n again will leave me screaming in pain and there i am back to square one....the layer is just a covering which deceives ppl that its already recovered...the wound and the pain stole away the joy in my heart...i felt numb...tears will roll down just thinking about it once in a while..i forgot the taste of true happiness...until recently i attended a family church camp in camerons God begin to remind me about certain things...this camp didn't have sermons...it wasn't mainly about we christians being fed with HIS word but more of exercising our discipleship and our faith in sharing the gospel...before this camp, i focused too much on myself and the probs that hit me...i forgot all about the lost souls our there...what happened to that desire and urgency to bring JESUS to them i wondered...i didn't really bother...all i wanted was to be alone...concentrating on my needs..what i did was wrong..it was selfish of me...when i was away for camp...i felt the peace...God gave me and my family an opportunity to share God's goodness and love through our testimonies..it felt so great..i immediately thanked God for reminding me that sharing the gospel really can bring true joy in our hearts...its not about us...its all about HIM...i knw that i cannot change anything...it is not in my own hands...why not focus on God alone and let HIM handle the rest???....